THE CHRISTMAS INSTALLMENT

So, for those of you who are believers, perhaps this post is not for you. Ok. Consider yourselves forewarned.

Here's what I'm thinking: What if the whole thing was a set-up? I mean, what if the whole thing was pre-planned, and Jesus was just a tool in some ornate plan to unseat the Jewish religious authority? Yes, I know- this sounds like a paranoid conspiracy theory (which it is), but just go with it. Let me set the scene....

Jesus, or Yehoshua in Hebrew, is a somewhat eccentric, charismatic, and disaffected Jew from the holy land. He hears about a bunch of hippies hanging out in the mountains, and thinks he'll go check it out. He gets there, and meets fellow yid, John (Yonatan, or Yoni for short). Yoni was a pretty rugged guy- smoked a lot of mountain sheesh, and was really into experimenting with a particular type of Jewish ritual purification known as the Mikvah. So, one day Yoni and Yehoshua get really baked, and Yoni's like, "dude, you're the fucking messiah"!

As it turns out, Yoni, Yehoshua and the rest of their tripped-out buddies were pretty pissed off with the Jewish political conservatives in charge in Jerusalem, the Shemmaites. They much preferred the teachings of the late spiritual leader of Jerusalem, Hillel. Unlike the strict orthodoxy espoused by Shemmai, Hillel had preached about tolerance and love. Having decided that it was time to get rid of the hawkish leaders in Jerusalem, the mountain hippies decided that they would go to the city, and with their new messiah in hand, they would spread the good word of Hillel.

So to Jerusalem they went. It was a tough time in the holy city- besides the strict Shemmaites in control of the Temple, the Roman occupation was extremely oppressive. As Yehoshua and his band of merry messianists move through the city, they encountered many groups of poor and downtrodden Jews. The poor and oppressed Jews were quite attracted to this man who preached Hillel's teaching of love, tolerance and the Kingdom of Heaven: "judge not your fellow man until you yourself come into his place", "What is hateful to yourself do not do to another, that is the whole law", and of course, "Hear o Israel, the Lord is God, the Lord is one". Before long, the band of merry messianists had a tremendous following.

When the religious Jewish authorities got wind of what Yehoshua was up to, they were PISSED! So were the Romans- how dare anyone challenge the authority of Rome! Yoni realized that due to Yehoshua's extreme popularity (and the ire it caused the political and religious elite), there was a real possibility that they could really create a viable alternative to the status quo in the holy land. The time was right for the next phase of the plan: the messiah must be sacrificed. By dying for the sins of man, they would avoid the inevitable plateau-effect that befalls many a political party.

They devised a careful plan: Yehoshua would go to the temple, and do some major shit-disturbing. The idea was for him to do something bad enough to cause the Pharisees to call in the Roman authorities. They knew if that happened, it would just be a matter of time before Yehoshua would be "taken out of the picture". Yoni had some connections with the Roman guard- some non-unionized workers who were sick and tired of the low pay, shitty working conditions, and lack of benefits. For a generous sum, they agreed to go easy during the crucifixion and to help remove Yehoshua long before he could succumb to his injuries.

The plan was hatched. Yehoshua wasn't entirely thrilled, but Yoni convinced him that it was the right thing to do. So he went to the temple, and had a real hissy-fit. He screamed and yelled about how corrupt the rabbis were and then started to throw around the furniture. It didn't take long for them to call the cops.

From there, the story progresses as per the traditional account, except for what I mentioned about the disgruntled Roman guards. About six hours after being put on the cross, they removed Yehoshua and brought him to a cave in the mountains were Yoni was waiting with several healers. After three days, he was well enough to walk. They decided it was time for the resurrection. Yehoshua was taken out of the cave and brought before his followers and spoke the words, "Peace to you". Presto! The messiah lives for eternity, and so does Christianity!

Yoni realizes for this to work, they've got to get Yehoshua out of town. Yehoshua was taken to France where he met Miriam of Magdalene and lived the rest of his natural days. Back in the holy land, the followers of Yehoshua traveled throughout the land, preaching Yehoshua's take on Hillel's messages of love and tolerance.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

P.S. For those of you reading this who might be Christians, please know that this is just my own personal re-imagining of the story of Christ, meant for my own personal entertainment. This is not to be taken seriously, and if I have offended you, I am truly sorry.